a wordy thought

I use to be imaginative and artistic in expressing my thoughts. Jotting my thoughts use to be a therapeutic activity that painted the black and white events of my day into a rainbow of amusement.

Over the past year or so, it seems that the creative spark within me has lost it's petroleum (or whatever it is that energizes it.) After half a cup of coffee and a few bites of a blueberry bagel, I have concluded that all the many reasons for this can be summed into one of two explanations. Either my colorful expressive side has dwindled due to environmental factors, or it was simply a shallow phase, not deeply rooted into my uttermost being.

I once had an english teacher say that people are often their most creative in their mid teen years. This is a time in life when life feels its rawest and most expressive. This stage produces, as she said, some of the best poetry and writtings many of us ever produce. Those with the real talent for it continue in the process, developing this talent as they fuel it with experiences. Shelfing that thought for the moment, let's consider the thought that my dwindled expressiveness is the result of environmental factors.

The Negative. In college I learned the habit of staying on the go all the time. If I was not overloaded with responsibilities and commitments, something must be wrong so by all means add something to the plate. That's not to say that I did not have my share of lazy times. When I entered into the work force, I suppose the same stayed true. Burnout was a routine that happened every several months or so. I would get my second wind and off I would go with a full loaded plate in both hands. My personality was also that of a giver, often giving more of myself than I could afford to give to people, relationships, and those involved in the various projects before me. About two years ago, my burnout reached a new high. This was not all bad as I learned some necessarly lessons. The down side is that something inside of me has yet to be the same. The way I take on projects and relationships has held a inner distance that lacks the raw passion that has often made me expressive. Even now when things around me are good, I am drawn to complete laziness when possible.

The Positive. There are plenty of experiences in my enviornment to draw from. After all, I have a brand new marriage and love is in the air! I'm living in a different state for the first time ever. (My life has been full of travels and short term stays in other places, but this is the first time i'm actually "living" outside of Mississippi.) I have a brand new job with plenty of happenings and bright potentials.

Now let's consider that my situation is not influenced by my environment. Perhaps I was never that gifted to begin with. It is possible that that natural process of my youth, salted with the flavor of being ADD, brought forth a limited expressiveness that withers and fads in the late 20s.

I shall think on these things.... but not very long or hard.